Friday, June 24, 2011


Do people really get what they deserve?
I try to be a nice person, but sometimes, sometimes you just wish people will go through exactly what you did; sometimes you wish someone will do to them what they did to you; sometimes you wish they will receive their "just desserts" and get a good kick in the arse.
Does this make you a bad person?
I don't know, and frankly, don't care. I'm entitled to hoping that there is some great karmic leveler that comes to play in the backyards of those who have caused me pain, stress or heartache. I hope there is a rude awakening for those who have hurt my family and friends.
It's frustrating to give and give and give and wish that somewhere, somehow, you can actually feel better instead of feeling those familiar boot impressions of those walking all over you.
Maybe we're all a bit too nice. Make people stand on their own legs; make people be accountable for their own faults; if someone upsets you, TELL THEM...and move on.
If they have a problem with your words, so be it. If they still want to be horrible to you, just let it go...someday, I hope anyway, they will understand.
It's like people who cut down trees for no reason....I eenvision Mother Earth letting loose on them- huge roots and branches of trees swinging and swatting and whacking and thrashing...and somehow, it makes me feel better.
I suppose I'm not a very nice person.
I make no apologies.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

My Hope, My Faith, My Trust in God

There are times when no matter how hard we try, we just can't make things right. We can't right wrongs for others or wave magic wands; we can't change outcomes or the past, nor can we predict the future. We can't sway people's opinions or change their minds, we can't change their hearts or erase their beliefs; no matter how much we might want to make things different in our lives, we will never be able to control these things. It is through God that we are able to keep standing. It is to His music that we continue dancing. It is through His grace that we are able to feel at peace and it is with His love that our hope takes wing. No matter the advice the world gives, no matter the inspirational quotes you read, no matter the road maps or the helping hands, it is through Him and only Him that you can get through all things; without Him, you are nothing. I see too much destruction and sorrow; I see too many dashed hopes. I see too much heartache and failed dreams and broken homes. I want to help so badly, but I had to learn over and over these past few months that I cannot control ANYTHING. No matter what I may want or may think I need, no matter what I want for others or what I think they deserve, it is not in my hands and it never will be. It's in my Heavenly Father's hands, in His time according to His will. Faith is way more than just a verb. It is the essence of what surviving becomes. It is soil that hope will bloom from. Some days, all you have is faith. All you have is the hope that hope will come. All you have is a prayer. When that is ALL you have, and all you can muster and all that is left, then, and only then, do you understand what it means to be humble and then, and only then, do you suddenly realize what you really want.

Monday, June 6, 2011

One Tree Alone in a Forest, Does Not a Forest Make

I realized today we all have these massive trials. We all battle against our weaknesses. It's not enough to pretend we're strong and keep going; sometimes, we have to let someone know we just aren't handling things. We can't withdraw. We can't pull away from those we should stay connected to.
Our connections make us stronger.
One tree alone in a forest, does not a forest make.
We have to learn to ask for help, to lean on each other, to seek after one another. If not, when our battles are raging, and we fear we are losing, there is no one to aid us, and when we fall, we fall alone.
So many of us lately have faced the trials hardest on us.
Oh, to face normal trials, but alas, I get the difficult ones. The heart wrenching, spine bowing, blood pounding, never ending ones. Pain. Loss. Confusion. And worst of all, this state of limbo.
Am I on or off?
Have I a home or not?
Is it love or never to be?
Is there hope or foolish wishing?
Will this work or not?
I get stuck in-between the questions.
I falter around and then find myself needing to seek out solace within my own thoughts and further I get until I'm a lone tree in a forgotten place and no longer do I stand strong.
We should intertwine our roots together. We should learn to face our trials knowing those who love us are aware of what we are facing and have our backs.
Some trials are made to bring us together. Some are made to make us feel alone and we must try even harder to hold to those who know and love us most. Those who appreciate the state we are in now not the state we were in before the trial.
Find those who no matter what, will be there; no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter who you are; they are the ones who will be your forest.
They are the ones buffering the wind. They are the ones seeking out the sun. They are the ones enriching your soil. They are they who won't leave you alone.


Saturday, June 4, 2011

Time and Love and Summers Passed

It hit me today like a freight train. Love. They say, time heals all wounds...but I think, often, the people we loved change until we don't recognize them, so it isn't "time" that changed, but "them". It wasn't time offering the healing in length, but simply, the person changed from what the love was orginally founded upon.
I don't recognize someone I loved.
I don't recognize his smile anymore. His eyes, his face, his style.
We never speak anymore.
I have no inkling of an idea what is going on with him right now.
It wasn't time healing the broken heart, but the realization that he has changed. I don't know him.
I wonder, how could I ever have loved someone so different contained within the same body?
Then, I think back, and back, and back. It's always been the same, hasn't it? People change and evolve and then one day you suddenly "see" them as they currently are. When you do, you realize you loved who they used to be, not who they are. Then, you just long for who they were, but that doesn't come back.
People keep evolving and adapting and changing. A year from now, who he was, the innocence he had, it will all be gone. The laid back country boy will be swallowed in the big city life. My sunny summer boy will truly be but a memory. The positive outlook I confided in will be even more silence, and day and month and year will blend in until he is just a memory of a summer of dashed hopes.
He'll be like those before him.
Love. I loved him. I loved who he was. I still love who he was. I just don't like who he is anymore. I can't blame time for that. It's simply part of life.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Doors to Happiness

They say whenever one door of happiness closes, another opens, and Helen Keller said that we are often too busy looking at the door that is closed to see the new one that is opened for us. I think life is often about actually turning your head around and watching where you're going. You can't move ahead while you're craning your neck around to see what you just left. We usually remember moments of the past better than they were and we view the present as worse than it is. Luckily, for some of us, we see our present as a much better situation than some of them from our past, however, there are those of us who look back and seem to view events, people and opportunities as better than they were. We long to live in the past. We need to just move forward and stay focused and pay attention. I'm learning little things can bring happiness, and the little things keep us going. If I dwell in the negative, everything begins to look hopeless. If I concentrate on small things that make me smile, then my day is a bit brighter because of it. It's a good day when you manage to not hit an animal while driving the back roads. It's a good day when you can help someone. It's a good day when you find a deal on an item you need and save a few dollars. It's a good day when you wake up before your alarm and can remember what you dreamed about. Little things console us. I think the "doors to happiness" are doors leading to doors leading to doors. You keep going through doors. Happiness is what you feel along the journey, it should be the vehicle you ride in, not the destination you seek after. So, open the door that's there in front of you and walk away from the closed one. Right "goodbye" on it and turn around and keep going.