Thursday, July 25, 2013

My Problem With Friends

My biggest problem with life seems to be that my definition of friendship and loyalty is always different from everyone else's regardless of what they say or feel or what they claim to stand for. So, I'm constantly let down, or see the "true" colors of people and I get upset - but why?
I can't expect everyone to view things as I do, or to put as much into relationships as I do; I must have been a knight in a former life or something similar. I'm the type of girl who when I give you my all I give you my all. If I am on your side, I tell the truth, I don't hide things, your enemies are my enemies and I will stand by you through it all - - - but then I realize, sadly, that those who I suppose will act as I act don't feel the need to do such things. I realize most relationships are shallow, technology based, or rather relying on the convenience of technology, and most people lie and hide things - a lot.
They say everyone's a liar. True, but I think it comes down to why and what the lies are about - I mean, there's just things you aren't supposed to do if you love people. There's things you're supposed to share. There's supposed to be some type of fierce loyalty involved in the strong bonds of any form of a relationship - but where the hell did it go?
So, I'm left with brief encounters, texting, small chit chat, etc etc etc.
The fact it upsets me is my own problem, I guess.
We're all busy.
We live busy lives.
We pass briefly, smile, and move on.
I'm beginning to think this notion of always having someone who has your back is non-existent.
Maybe if I let go of wanting that I'll be able to be happy.
Happy with the lesser form of friendship the world offers.
It just doesn't feel right.
It feels sad.
I always wanted someone I could stand by until I take my last breath because I said I would and I wanted someone to want to do the same for me.
I know I have a purpose here in this time and life, in this place, in this sense of "now", but if I had a dollar for every time I felt like I belonged elsewhere in a different time I know I'd have a lot of useless paper.
Define it.
Define it again.
Define it better than you just defined it.
You don't know what it is.
You probably lie and make excuses and avoid and gossip and turn your back on, ignore, pretend, hide, covet, mock, accuse, and judge the very people you shouldn't and then, you probably put cute emoticons in your messages, or give fake smiles, or pretend to have fun.
That's what this life is reducing us to.
We don't have to fight for each other's lives, or stand guard to defend each other, or toil side by side in order to stay alive - we just exist from one moment of hanging out and catching up to the other and all depth or bonds of loyalty needn't exist in such a shallow world.
So I'm fighting it.
I'm upset by it.
Because it's wrong.
But no one has the energy or desire to change it.
No one has the time.
I'll just be swept up in these shallow waters of rapid moving life
           I'll travel the currents near the shores
           I'll hit rocks, and I'll hit sand,
           and one day I'll change course
I'll sink beneath the surface and swim down to a deeper life
           I'll travel into waters seeking more
           I'll go down, and find a hand
           leading me to what I was looking for