Sunday, January 8, 2012

Liars and Lies

Liars can be gentle with lies done from love and kindness, but also there are liars of malice and wickedness. Some hold their tongues and don't say a thing in hopes you won't ask them for what they're hiding. Others will look you dead straight in the eye and come up with an impressive and destructive lie. It's not outright lying that is worrisome, it's witheld truth that becomes the thorn of your heart. It's not asking the right question and getting a lie that is the problem, but asking the wrong question from the start. It's not knowing they lie that bothers you, but why they are withholding what's true. Yet they'll lead you on and lead you astray and make you think it is all some other way, until come a time when they can no longer hide and yet still their words will take you for a ride. They think they are clever in their devious deeds and they plant all their stories and fabricating seeds, and when you should notice things "just not quite right", well then you should ask, and be so polite. Their response might be stammers, or shudders, or shakes, it might be justifiying, yet whatever it takes, they'll think they're the right ones and you are the wrong, for you had asked them what you should have known all along. Yes, "you" are the fool, why didn't you see it? They are not wrong for keeping their secret. So, you will stand there and question it all and they'll go on elsewhere to some other call and you'll wonder who else lies to you and how you will learn exactly what's true. It's all the witholding of truth going on that reminds you the errors of the world all along. They think in their silence they can get away with it all, but their actions and pictures are their real downfall. They think in their lying you can't see what's there, but they act out their falsehoods without any care. The proof is in watching, not hearing nor asking, and then you shall learn all that is true.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


I feel the need to reflect upon 2011. Of all my years, I suppose this year is the year I have learned the most. It started off with me needing to make a new start and trust in something called "hope", and I think I had to learn what "hope" was throughout the whole year. I had to learn what "trust" meant, and above all, "faith". It has been the most physically taxing of all years.
Starting in January, I began to learn "hope" and "change". I started off with a "I will do what I want to do" attitude. I survived being snowed in and packing for days on end. I survived the cold.
February, it dawned with yet more hope and cold and snow. And packing. I moved out of my parents home and into one with AJ at the end of February, and slowly he and I moved stuff over, so that come March we were settled.
It was odd in the beginning. He would play music to fill the silence. I loved the silence. Slowly, we settled in. The first part of being here was rough for me. I had the worst kidney stone I'd ever had, then, pulled the muscle in my lower back and had sciatic nerve problems that left me in the worst pain of my life. I passed out from it. Took pain meds. Wrote really odd poems.
I realized at the beginning of being on my own what I felt like I deserved from those around me. I felt as though I deserved better than being belittled or put down, mocked, or used. It was a learning experience for me. It, at times, upset those around me and caused issues with friends.
Having roommates at such a tumultuous time of moving my family was bad timing. I pretty much think all my ex-roommates hate me. Everyone of them. Maybe they don't. I know I was difficult to live with. I have far too many rules, quirks, and OCD moments. I hate noise. I hate messes. I need the rent money right away. I am very safety conscious. All of those things coupled with the stress of losing my childhood home made me hard to bare.
Spring break was a good time for me. It reminded me who I am. I think I learned a lot during late spring, early summer. I painted a lot, and had a lot of alone time to contemplate. I learned new things about those I love. I learned what "love" is. I thought I knew. I learned new levels.
My summer was spent never really dressed like a girl. I was always dressed for painting or packing. I didn't really care about my appearance. It was both freeing and slightly sad. If it wasn't for men who are "really" men, I'd never have felt much like a woman at any part during the summer.
I learned I hate clubbing. I am not much for cooking when I'm not happy. I really just like sitting in my recliner with my cat when things are too stressful. I learned walks fix a lot of troubles. So do massages. "Letting go" of things helps, too. I learned I love yoga. I love nutella. I love things I shouldn't love and things I should and I'm OK with both.
This summer, I survived heat exhaustion. I had fits. I had break downs. I cussed people out and had meltdowns. I threw things and threatened people. I also lifted far more than I ever thought I could. I lasted longer, stayed awake for days, slept maybe 3 hours a day for weeks. I ran on pure adrenalin. I noticed things about the world I wouldn't have. I survived August.
This summer, I learned who loves my family. I had friends who worked into the late night in the dark when they didn't have to. Friends who could have spent their brief time not working doing something fun instead of helping us. Friends who would get off work and help anyway. Friends who stayed so late each night I'm not sure how they functioned. Friends who surprised me. We had so much help, and for that, I am forever grateful.
As the year went on I learned to let go. To trust in God. To give it all up to him. I didn't think a lot of things would happen but trusted that He'd take care of it, and He did.
I learned as the year went on that I'll do what it takes to keep what I have. I'm a fighter, if I want to keep it, I'm fighting for it.
I learned to let things toxic to me go. It made me really sad at times, but sometimes you have to. I learned to love people despite themselves.
I had to learn to let a lot go.
I walked a lot. I ran in the rain with AJ. I gave second, third, fourth and fifth chances.
I took chances.
I learned to say "I love you" freely. This year, of any year ever, I can say wholeheartedly that if I meant it, I said it. If I needed to say it, I did.
I had fun. I had great times. I have great memories amidst the chaos.
Waving goodbye to AJ as he set off for his mission. Goodness. And all the times leading up to him going. He baptizing us in the temple. He speaking and bearing his testimony in church beforehand. The last two weeks being able to be with him just he and I in the house. I helped get him ready. And now, being alone, I learn even more about myself.
This year, I have added and added layers to the love I have for certain people. I have learned to love with a love that isn't so "needy". I don't feel the need to capture what I love. I have learned the value of friends whom I can trust.
This year I learned the true nature of people. It was hard at times. So much secrecy and betrayal. Lies. So many lies this year. Worst of all, most of it I learned at the latter part of the year.
I learned more forgiveness and just not caring. I think I've gotten to the point I really just don't care about a lot of people and their actions. I wish them no ill will, I just don't care.
I learned this year that even with the unthinkable, when you really love someone, it doesn't matter. You still love them.
I also learned that you can't force something that isn't there. So, consequently, I had to learn to voice that fact. I know I caused sorrow. But, I needed to speak truth.
I think I always speak truth.
Overall, this has been a year of self discovery. A year where I realized why I do what I do and hold to what I hold to, why I feel and react as I do and why I seek after what I seek. I learned what I really want in a man, a life, a future, and from myself.
I talked to the trees, the wind, the spirits, the walls; I wrote and sang and danced and meditated; I loved and flirted and tried new things; I battled, fought, won, lost, fell, soared, cried, screamed, laughed, prayed and prayed and prayed; I conquered fears and tested limits; I learned new things to help in my future; I rang in the new and did away with the old.
For 2012 I have only one resolution: To above all, follow my heart. It has led me to where I am right now. If I follow my heart and trust in God then I know I'll make it through. This new year will be unlike any before it. I am without one of my greatest friends while he is on the greatest adventure of his life; I'm going to be in a new place and learning new things; I hope for a lot of things.
I always hope.
I just learned this year you can't make happen what isn't meant to be.
You can't force what isn't there.
You can't help those who don't wish for help.
You can't mend or fix everything.
You can't hold onto those wishing to fly away.
You can only keep going.
For 2012 I will do just that. I will keep going and follow my heart to where it leads.