I Need.........

I think the stars are aligning in a way to cause havoc and mayhem for this Libra. Why is it so hard to find someone to share the beauty in life with? I'm left exhausted by "Hey Liz", "Damn ur sexyyy" and "what r u doin?" and find myself seeking someone capable of higher intelligence and deeper spirituality. Why can I not find someone who goes outside and feels the echo of nature in his bones? I want to find someone who gets the need I have for standing beneath the sky and marveling at how very small I am in the universe, and yet, I can stand in awe at such beauty around me. Why can I not find someone who reads what I write and loves that I write so much he will buy me a cottage near a coast so that I may listen to the sea as I write. I do not want hookups. I do not want to waste my time on someone who is only pursuing me so that he can eventually have sex with me. I want someone who is astounded by my view of the world and finds it incredible and wants to share with me his view. He doesn't have to cook - but he has to love meals cooked on an open fire. He doesn't have to sing - but he has to love me singing as I clean. He doesn't have to understand why I like pretty things, he just has to let me like them and have them and fill a home with them. He must understand that I, as a Libra, may love all the lace and pearls and satin of the world - but I also like weapons and never shy away from a good fight. Like a General, in satin and velvet. I need swords and knives and necessary artillery along with pretty pillows and curtains. I need books and music and the sound of birds. Ah, why can I not find someone with whom to share the world with? It's so beautiful and life is so short.... and I'm perishing in a world I feel ill equipped to harbor one such as I. To quote C.S. Lewis: “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”

Gathering Inspiration Part I

My friend Johnny and I were discussing inspiration and I didn't realize that perhaps the process in which I gather inspiration might help others also to become inspired, whether for art, photography, music, poetry, or life in general.
I wanted to focus on a few areas in which I gather inspiration.

:Nature:
The Light Side
The Dark Side

:Emotive:
Moody
Anger
Joy
Sorrow

:Love:
The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

:Metaphors:

In each of these I will briefly describe the ways in which I gather inspiration.

Nature: The Light Side
In order to feel the light energy of nature, it is important to be out in it. On a porch, in the yard, the woods, a beach, a park, the sea, or in a river - these places offer an abundance of inspiring moments, from the light on a leaf to the sound of a bird, the gurgle of water over rocks or the wind through your hair, finding the uniqueness of the place you're in is key to gathering inspiration.
I often find myself mesmerized by clouds. I find their shapes to be intriguing, how they change and morph into something new. I find the way light comes through them to be uplifting. The churning storm clouds and the fluffy clouds of a pretty day, the wispy tendrils across the sky, and the way the sun sets behind clouds colored in cotton candy pink or salmon, or lavender.
The sun is forever inspiring - it adds light and depth to everything we see. It changes dark corners into brightened places and changes shapeless fields into wonders of shadowed blades of grass.
Insects buzzing and birds chirping, wind rustling and rain falling - sounds; sounds truly are transporters into new realms.
I enjoy the changing sights and smells of the seasons. Each season has an abundance of new smells and sights to behold. The scent of one season may inspire in you an entirely different emotion from another season. Think of the lilies in Spring, the fresh cut grass smell of Summer, the smell of fog and wet leaves in Autumn and the crisp scent in the air on a blustery Winter day.
Whether the waves of the sea inspire you, or the sound of an owl, or the changing stars  - the feelings of nature can become great companions throughout your day.
If you've never watched the moon on a cloudless night, nor waited in wonder for a shooting star, nor seen the sunrise nor watched a storm pass, surely your head has been turned down too long.
The next time you are out and about, contemplate the trees, the flowers, bark, ants and the smell of the wind; capture the energy inside you and let it lighten you.

Nature: The Dark Side
I am morbid. First off, do not let the former words fool you, I too, am inspired by the decaying world of nature. I am inspired by death, and the destruction of storms; I'm inspired by battered boats and broken windows from wayward tree limbs. I'm inspired by fallen trees and scorched earth. I find inspiration in the smell of smoke and how one vine can completely choke the life from another plant. I find the hunting predator's victory a marvel and the the macabre and creepy world of darkness to be intriguing. There is an unsettling feel to the woods at night; a feeling of vulnerability not found in daylight. The howling wind and creaking wood - these things can fuel inspired works of a darker sort.
If you've never walked the road at dusk while bats flew overhead, nor watched a hurricane bend palms towards the ground, nor walked in the aftermath of a fire, you've not seen the darker side of nature. It too, has inspiring bits - even if sharper edged.

Emotive: Moody
Ah, the term "moody" can apply to many moods, too many usually, all battling inside you. Inspiration that comes from our moods if by far the most common - our moods change everything we behold in front of us. "Moody" is the term I use when I have emotions battling each other like dragons in a coffin  - not enough room and it's hard to see the victor in such a tight space. I feel like I'm up, down, sideways and sprawled on a floor inside my soul - "moody" is inspiring for many reasons, but mostly, in your journey to unlock each emotion you find a tapestry of threads to draw from; each mood is a new layer to uncover, and each discovery is more fuel for your Muse.

Emotive: Anger
That crushing, snapping, want to scream, shout, kick, throw, stomp, beat, tear apart feeling we sometimes get. It's hot and bubbly inside or cold and calculated. It either bursts out from us or seethes inwardly. Anger is an emotion to let out  - not hold in. Being inspired by anger can be tricky. How does one let it be inspiration without taking oneself over? Such a balancing act - but truly potent fuel for your works if used right - if used wrong, it becomes poison that eats away at our other inspirations. Anger is an emotion to capture quickly and use swiftly.

Emotive: Joy
I didn't want to focus on simply "happy" because for most artists "happy" is too light, too shallow - our "happy" is really "joy". It's the feeling after struggle. It's the feeling we discover after we've seen all the darkened corners and dismal places. Joy is the feeling that gives our soul wings, if even but for a moment. It's inspired by moments or memories or utter exhilarating feelings and through us we wish to propel the joy outward. Joy is an inspiration meant to be shared. It's something one knows only after one has experienced the opposite. In joy, we learn the truest depth of happiness.

Emotive: Sorrow
Truly, the best remedy of sorrow is to turn it into art. We learn the bottom of our souls in sorrow. We walk that place at the bottom and our feet mold into the floor. We taste it in the air and sometimes we make for ourselves a cloak of sorrow and wear it on us like a shield. We project "I am hurt" as if to ward off further hurt. Our sorrow becomes the chains we use to bind us. Sorrow should be released with time. It will change, but give it wings to fly away, not roots to sink in deeper. I find often sorrow is in my writing, it's in the spaces between my words. If I were a painter, my trees might be tinged in colors of sorrow. It casts blurred shadows over what we see.

Love: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
I could write an entire blog on love. Oh wait, I have. I write endlessly of the many forms of love. It seeps into every ounce of what I do. The good is like wind chimes blowing through my heart, the bad is like shattering glass on the floor of my soul and the ugly is my wishing for daggers and claws to wound the one causing my pain. Love is always going to be the number one inspiration in life. We're all touched by love. Whether it was a gentle touch, a punch, or searing mark left on us, love is that one thing we all want, need, seek, find, lose, and wish we could escape from - and it fuels us. It fuels our lives. Love is our drive. It's the combustible force in desire and the earthquake to shake us apart and rebuild us into something new.
The good things of love leave us starry eyed. They leave us with that look of bloomed flowers.
The bad things of love tear us apart and wrench our souls and leave us in shreds.
The ugly things of love cause us to feel for someone what we never intended, and can lead from anger into hate, the most destructive thing to a human being.
I don't think I have to tell anyone to let love inspire them. I don't see how you could keep yourself from being manipulated by love  -  it's in all we do.


Metaphors
By now, you have gathered my usage of metaphors (and similes) is the way I explain emotions with words. I'm not sure how to describe the way I view the world in metaphors. Your happiness is palpable scent I wish to place in a candle and burn on cold nights; your voice is like honey to soothe my soul; his eyes reminded me of windows reflecting sky, and the balloon she held fled and burst in the wind like childhood dreams often rise and die with time. I think anyone reading my poems probably thinks I write when I'm high - I write sober, actually, but regardless I compare things to rodeos and whales and an albatross, to mazes and doors and toadstools; I have symbolism for myself in all that I write and each thing means something else usually. My mind is a labyrinth of murals painted in the colors of memories. I don't know how to view the world but in metaphors.

For now, this is all I am focusing on. I would like to further write regarding the inspiration I gather through observation of people; also, inspiration from dreams and memories.
I hope I have helped to inspire through my words, or simply gave you an insight into how I draw inspiration from the world around me.
Thank you again to Johnny, who is a wonderfully talented individual who also inspires me and at some point I will write on the inspiration of music, until then, fuel your Muse, feed your soul and embody inspiration in your life.

~Elizabeth Azpurua

What is Love?

Amber: It's like swallowing fire, endlessly, choking on the scorched remnants of your core and the smoke filling the air around you ceases oxygen and slowly you see the world fading....and when you are reborn you always carry the memory of that moment; it never fully leaves and there is an ache forever inside you for nothing, nothing can undo you the way that love can.

Ruth: It's the unalterable knowledge that no matter where they go, or who they love, or who they are with - you want to be by their side. It doesn't matter for where they are, that is home. That is the only place you can conceive of being. Where else would you exist after them, if not by their side?

Dara: It's a type of poison. Slow. Then fast. Then slow again. First, it makes the world a fake happy and then it makes the world a happy fake and after, it's all fake. There's no happy.

Felicity: I feel as if it is like an eternal Spring. It is always blooming, flowering, budding into something so beautiful that each moment is a glorious new start. It makes up for all the winters, which had been so barren, and it replaces their memory with that of joy, and life, and wonder. It's forever growing and blossoming into something incredible.

Jade: Have you ever chewed on razor blades? Your heart is the tongue and their love is the razor.

Summer: It's knowing no matter the depth of your woe, the length of your grief, that it's all worth it to hear them laugh. To see them smile. All the endless torment of life and hardships and stormy seas - it all disappears with the sound of their happiness. Their happiness becomes so important that if you become the reason they aren't happy, you would leave, remove yourself, just to know they'd be happy. It's all about their laugh. Their smile.

Jill: It all becomes one familiar ache. Like that old pair of shoes you can't throw out, but leaves blisters- yeah, you know the one I'm talking about. That's what it's like. If you find yourself in familiar waters, you know what's coming. You just sorta' swim and hope for the best - until you drown.

Alice: Well, after love, the world never is the same. Love is the only lesson that teaches you everything you need to know in life. You need it. You'll seek it. It will change the world around you, sometimes into a fairytale, and sometimes into a nightmare, but your world will never be the same after love.

Grace: It's falling. It's sometimes flying and sometimes landing and sometimes hurting, but it always starts with falling. Sometimes, people are terrified of falling. Sometimes, they love the feeling. I always loved it when I was caught. Love is falling hoping for a safe landing.

Love, Fairy Tales and Seeking a Happily Ever After

I suppose there are many of us who have dreamed often of a perfect romance; we have sought the perfect love, like a fairytale, complete with the "happily ever after" where the ends are neatly tied. We envisioned trials, yes, but the trials would make us strong and our beloved would be our hero or heroine, and in the end, no matter how hard, we would prevail.
For many of us, the ideal for perfection is all based on stories.
Romance novels and great movies, fairy tales, and sonnets; we want a love like our favorite characters.
I have realized we hold to these visions because the world around us is so corrupt.
Marriage is "temporary", commitment is based on parameters, and love is based on "me", rather than "love". Marriage is defined by laws, a signature, rings, and status. Love is defined by "you represent this to me, therefore I love you" and lovers can be lovers without any love at all.
In a world like this, we seek out the fairytale visions of Prince Charming, and a Princess in an enchanted sleep that can be awaken with a kiss. We want a world where heroes ride in on horses and Princesses are both pretty and fierce and delicate and strong.
Yet, we see "swag" and "bi-atches", and all number of slang terms we call our friends, and there are no princes, but there are guys with cars, and some not even very good cars, and some are lucky to have a bicycle. Princesses aren't ladies, and often act more like "dudes" and gave up on chivalry, so they get their own door and buy their own food because they can.
Our idea of romance is some disturbed version of books that encourages men to act like stalkers and women to be easily manipulated.
I don't know why this happened. I don't know when it began.
I do know however that love is not about "you" and it's not about what you can get or what the other person can give. Love is the emotion you feel for someone because you see the depth of their beauty and you love all of them. You love them because they are.
When things go awry you both try to work through it and hold to each other - but it takes both people and unless both want the same thing, nothing can be accomplished.
Everyone wants easy love. Easy sex. Easy marriage. Easy kids. Easy families. Easy life.
They want neat endings and order and good health the entire time.
Fairy tales don't cover the ups and downs of life, of stress, of too busy work schedules or health problems. Fairy tales don't mention the character's mental hang-ups or childhood traumas, they don't mention how two people can suddenly argue over why the bread wasn't closed right or the dishwasher was loaded incorrectly. Fairy tales don't mention the woes of car trouble, mortgages, nasty work conditions or sick children. They don't cover the frustrations of nosey neighbors, bullies at school, political problems, lack of health insurance, expired car tags, flooding washing machines, crappy mattresses, exploding hot water heaters, or wedding rings going down a drain.
Yet, if they did, we would suddenly have such a great overwhelming love for the characters because they go through what we do.
Maybe we don't write a love letter for every day of the year or make grand proposals of love; maybe we never had our stars charted and found the exact perfect person for us, but if we try, and try, and try some more, and keep trying every day, our grand children and great grand children can look back and see what real life love stories are.
They're stories of people getting through the every day ups and downs and waking up 20 years later and telling their beloved "I'd still choose you".
I don't want a Prince on a horse or a guy to propose with the Eiffel Tower in the background while we're serenaded. I want a man who will take care of the nasty insects and mow the lawn, and teach the kids handy life lessons; a man who will love me when I'm dressed up with bright red lipstick and a sassy skirt just as much when I have my hair pulled back and I'm covered in paint while having a sinus infection and PMS-ing. Mostly, I want to find someone I love so much that the essence of their soul is too beautiful not to love, and that he feels the same, and as long as we love each other, when he folds the laundry wrong, or farts when I'm in "writing mode" and disrupts my mood, or forgets to take out the trash that I will fuss about it and maybe complain like any good Libra woman would, and then smile inwardly because I love him regardless, and none of that is all that important anyway.
In my version of a fairytale we both have swords and stand side-by-side and our children have swords and when the dragons of the world threaten, we come together and we stick together and when it seems like we might fail, we remember the important thing is that we love each other.
True love was always the answer.
It's also the question.
It's the question you should always ask yourself....
and if it be yes, then you fight to keep it so.

Fin and Scales

Asking me to be anything other than who I am is like asking a mermaid to grow legs.

Am I to believe the fin and scales were a mistake and that one is only perfected with two feet and the ability to shave?

We get so caught up in wishing to make people what we want them to be.
Different shouldn't be a synonym with "avoid like the plague". Why fear "different"?

I like my metaphorical fins and scales - my gills make me able to breathe in the environment that I am supposed to be in. What is weird for those walking on streets is normal for those of us in the depths of the seas.

Never, Ever

I choked you again last night in my dreams.
I'm not sure why it seems whenever you make a rare appearance in my dreams, you're always lying and causing problems, just like an extension of reality.
I pinned you to a wall.
I seem to be seeing a pattern with these dreams; never, ever, have I had someone I've done this to before in dreams. Perhaps, I had more invested emotion in us than I realized. Perhaps, it is further proof of the toxicity of our relationship. Perhaps, my anger has finally boiled over and you're just lucky I've no contact with you.
It's the lies. The web of unjust lies that spills from your pleasant smile. It's the lies that weave rumors around me and mine and those lies just create mayhem. It's like someone turned the stove on beneath me and finally I am bubbling over. I guess I will never understand people and their actions. I'm a different breed of loyalty and dependability that seems rare amongst people these days.
I'm glad about this.
Why?
I never, ever, want to be you or do what you've done or walk amongst people who care for each other like a nasty little tornado turning things on their heads just to walk away as if nothing happened. I never, ever, want to be like you. I don't want the words spilling from my lips to be outright lies nor do I wish to spread blame around like butter on toast. I never want to kick metaphorical hornets nests to see the chaos that follows and I sure as hell don't want to break promises.
I wonder if one day when you surface in my dreams you'll be just a figure in the shadows, or if every time you pop in you'll be wreaking havoc? Will that always be my final memories of you, chaos, mayhem, drama, havoc and frustration? Or, will someday, we be able to look each other in the eye and you admit to me your lies were unfounded?
I doubt this will happen. You've probably by now deluded yourself into believing your own lies to justify your behavior.
It astounds me how quickly things can turn so very wrong. It only takes a moment, a few tiny lies, and then the poison spreads. You ate it up, didn't you? All that chaos and commotion, all the sympathy cards you played and all the attention you got - it was your drug, wasn't it?
I will never, ever, be anything like you.
I value friendships too much.
I value family too much.
I value my integrity and life too much.
Most of all, to do such things would hurt my heart in a way nothing else could.
I will never, ever, be someone who goes from year to year like a hurricane in the lives of those I meet, spreading deceit, falsehoods, and manipulating to my own ends. I will never, ever, spend so much of my time lying that I begin to believe the lies themselves as truth. No, I'll never, ever be like you.
I'm glad about this.

No Flower Pots

Sometimes, people seem to expect trees to grow in flower pots. They seem to think that little seeds become little chutes and little chutes stay fresh, green, and safe inside the soil contained in a clay pot. It's astounding to them to realize what they planted is indeed meant to grow, is meant to spread long, deep roots, like arms reaching into the earth. These people fear the forests and fear the height of the trees, they fear the storms and broken branches and snapped trunks. These people do not understand that trees must be in the elements to grow strong. Trees cannot grow in flower pots.

Money and Happiness

Money can't buy happiness.....but,
it can buy food - which is important
it pays for electric, which if you have ever
NOT had power for whatever reason
you realize it makes you happy
Money can't buy happiness....but,
it can buy cars, which make getting a job
and MORE money easier
it can pay for adoptions fees
for adorable pets who bring happiness
it can pay for vacations, traveling
and broadening your horizon
Money can't buy happiness......but,
it can buy comfort foods and pillows
and cushy mattress pillow top covers
and beds, and soap, and clean clothes
and ice cream and shoes and a cell phone
so you can stay in contact with people who
make you HAPPY
Money can't buy happiness, but it can be
used wisely on things that bring you
peace of mind, relaxation, fun, and the
feeling of happiness
So, the next time you turn on your light
and it comes on - be happy
The next time you open your fridge
and there is food - be happy
The next time you lose your car keys
to your car - be happy
The next time you walk into your home
and it needs dusting - be happy
The next time you're lost in a new city
on your vacation - be happy
The next time you have to try to fold sheets
for your bed - be happy
And mostly, as you stop and consider life
be grateful for what you DO have
and for the little bit of money you may have
and the small amount of things you have
not because they ARE happiness, but because
they make life a little simpler, which in turn
makes you a happier person
And when you DON'T have the money
and you DON'T feel happy
Hug a friend, your cat, breathe - air is FREE
Sing a song, watch the sunrise - it's also free
Smile, laugh, tell someone you love them
it won't cost you a dime
Now, I'm going to go have some ice cream
that was bought with money
and ice cream makes me HAPPY
and I will hug my cat

Small Things

it's not about all the big moments.
it is usually the small things that add up whether they be for good or ill.
it's not the mountain we stumble over, it's the small pebble.
it is not the tree we do not see in the field, but the small green chute growing from the acorn.
so, the small things are really the things that can make or break us.
when you get older, and look back, it was the smallest things that made all the difference.

a smile.
someone telling you they have faith in you.
being told you're not good enough.
being told you're too weird.
a hug through a car door.
a lie.
someone telling you they'll always be there.
someone saying "i love you".
it is the walks in nature and unexpected moments.
watching lightening from a porch or the sun rise.
listening to owls.
the smell of rain.

so many little things become the platform for which bigger things spring off of.
these little things mound high.
spill over.
these little things become what keeps us going or what holds us back.

we always see the big things.
we either celebrate them in photos or we mourn them in woes.
the little things add and add and before you know it they become like grains of sand on a beach and whether is be a beach of joy or a beach of sorrow, every little grain of sand meant something profound.
it is the small things that hold a huge impact in our lives.
never forget.
sometimes a conversation from childhood is the thing that gave you a mission.
sometimes a hug was the changing point for healing.
sometimes rain is the greatest cleanser of all.
sometimes a melody of a song whose lyrics brought solace can become the thing which comforts the most.
it is small things.
small things.

Be Our Own

There's so much debating between right and wrong and truth and lies.
There's so many arguments and pointed fingers.
There's people claiming they know and you don't understand.
There's people supposing your actions and choices make you wrong.
There's people wishing to make you into their idea of what is right.
There's a war against personal beliefs, opinions, and speaking our minds.
There's well spoken people making valid points and swaying people to feel differently than what they ever wanted to.
There's people who think they know exactly how it really is.
In the midst of all this, it is hard to find a steady ground beneath your feet when pulled to and fro, most often by those whose opinions, beliefs, and choices you value.
In the midst of the confusion you're left trying to take all sides and find all common ground and you wish to say that "all are right" or "all are true" when this cannot be so if you are to remain on someone's "side".
In the midst of this pressure to choose, to know, to feel, think, perceive and stand for, you do not know which is right for you.
Sometimes, you have to step back.
Sometimes, you have to stop and listen to your beating heart and find out what that sound means to you.
Sometimes, you have to forget what everyone says around you and listen to your own soul - and when you listen, and feel, then you know what it is that you stand for, believe, know, understand and hold onto.
That becomes your right.
That becomes your truth.
That becomes your reason for holding up the light of your own knowledge.
This feeling, it cannot be taken from you when firmly founded in the depths of your soul.
This feeling should be guarded and treasured and recalled often.
This feeling is what gets you through the arguments, debates, and confusions which abound around you.
This feeling is the rock you stand on no matter what comes your way.
Why?
Because we were born with the ability to have our own convictions.
Because we have the right to learn our own truth.
Because we were born to seek after knowledge, the knowledge right for us, for how we live and how we cope with the world.
Because we have the right to have opinions separate from those we love.
Because it's OK for us to be our own.

Liars and Lies

Liars can be gentle with lies done from love and kindness, but also there are liars of malice and wickedness. Some hold their tongues and don't say a thing in hopes you won't ask them for what they're hiding. Others will look you dead straight in the eye and come up with an impressive and destructive lie. It's not outright lying that is worrisome, it's witheld truth that becomes the thorn of your heart. It's not asking the right question and getting a lie that is the problem, but asking the wrong question from the start. It's not knowing they lie that bothers you, but why they are withholding what's true. Yet they'll lead you on and lead you astray and make you think it is all some other way, until come a time when they can no longer hide and yet still their words will take you for a ride. They think they are clever in their devious deeds and they plant all their stories and fabricating seeds, and when you should notice things "just not quite right", well then you should ask, and be so polite. Their response might be stammers, or shudders, or shakes, it might be justifiying, yet whatever it takes, they'll think they're the right ones and you are the wrong, for you had asked them what you should have known all along. Yes, "you" are the fool, why didn't you see it? They are not wrong for keeping their secret. So, you will stand there and question it all and they'll go on elsewhere to some other call and you'll wonder who else lies to you and how you will learn exactly what's true. It's all the witholding of truth going on that reminds you the errors of the world all along. They think in their silence they can get away with it all, but their actions and pictures are their real downfall. They think in their lying you can't see what's there, but they act out their falsehoods without any care. The proof is in watching, not hearing nor asking, and then you shall learn all that is true.

2011

I feel the need to reflect upon 2011. Of all my years, I suppose this year is the year I have learned the most. It started off with me needing to make a new start and trust in something called "hope", and I think I had to learn what "hope" was throughout the whole year. I had to learn what "trust" meant, and above all, "faith". It has been the most physically taxing of all years.
Starting in January, I began to learn "hope" and "change". I started off with a "I will do what I want to do" attitude. I survived being snowed in and packing for days on end. I survived the cold.
February, it dawned with yet more hope and cold and snow. And packing. I moved out of my parents home and into one with AJ at the end of February, and slowly he and I moved stuff over, so that come March we were settled.
It was odd in the beginning. He would play music to fill the silence. I loved the silence. Slowly, we settled in. The first part of being here was rough for me. I had the worst kidney stone I'd ever had, then, pulled the muscle in my lower back and had sciatic nerve problems that left me in the worst pain of my life. I passed out from it. Took pain meds. Wrote really odd poems.
I realized at the beginning of being on my own what I felt like I deserved from those around me. I felt as though I deserved better than being belittled or put down, mocked, or used. It was a learning experience for me. It, at times, upset those around me and caused issues with friends.
Having roommates at such a tumultuous time of moving my family was bad timing. I pretty much think all my ex-roommates hate me. Everyone of them. Maybe they don't. I know I was difficult to live with. I have far too many rules, quirks, and OCD moments. I hate noise. I hate messes. I need the rent money right away. I am very safety conscious. All of those things coupled with the stress of losing my childhood home made me hard to bare.
Spring break was a good time for me. It reminded me who I am. I think I learned a lot during late spring, early summer. I painted a lot, and had a lot of alone time to contemplate. I learned new things about those I love. I learned what "love" is. I thought I knew. I learned new levels.
My summer was spent never really dressed like a girl. I was always dressed for painting or packing. I didn't really care about my appearance. It was both freeing and slightly sad. If it wasn't for men who are "really" men, I'd never have felt much like a woman at any part during the summer.
I learned I hate clubbing. I am not much for cooking when I'm not happy. I really just like sitting in my recliner with my cat when things are too stressful. I learned walks fix a lot of troubles. So do massages. "Letting go" of things helps, too. I learned I love yoga. I love nutella. I love things I shouldn't love and things I should and I'm OK with both.
This summer, I survived heat exhaustion. I had fits. I had break downs. I cussed people out and had meltdowns. I threw things and threatened people. I also lifted far more than I ever thought I could. I lasted longer, stayed awake for days, slept maybe 3 hours a day for weeks. I ran on pure adrenalin. I noticed things about the world I wouldn't have. I survived August.
This summer, I learned who loves my family. I had friends who worked into the late night in the dark when they didn't have to. Friends who could have spent their brief time not working doing something fun instead of helping us. Friends who would get off work and help anyway. Friends who stayed so late each night I'm not sure how they functioned. Friends who surprised me. We had so much help, and for that, I am forever grateful.
As the year went on I learned to let go. To trust in God. To give it all up to him. I didn't think a lot of things would happen but trusted that He'd take care of it, and He did.
I learned as the year went on that I'll do what it takes to keep what I have. I'm a fighter, if I want to keep it, I'm fighting for it.
I learned to let things toxic to me go. It made me really sad at times, but sometimes you have to. I learned to love people despite themselves.
I had to learn to let a lot go.
I walked a lot. I ran in the rain with AJ. I gave second, third, fourth and fifth chances.
I took chances.
I learned to say "I love you" freely. This year, of any year ever, I can say wholeheartedly that if I meant it, I said it. If I needed to say it, I did.
I had fun. I had great times. I have great memories amidst the chaos.
Waving goodbye to AJ as he set off for his mission. Goodness. And all the times leading up to him going. He baptizing us in the temple. He speaking and bearing his testimony in church beforehand. The last two weeks being able to be with him just he and I in the house. I helped get him ready. And now, being alone, I learn even more about myself.
This year, I have added and added layers to the love I have for certain people. I have learned to love with a love that isn't so "needy". I don't feel the need to capture what I love. I have learned the value of friends whom I can trust.
This year I learned the true nature of people. It was hard at times. So much secrecy and betrayal. Lies. So many lies this year. Worst of all, most of it I learned at the latter part of the year.
I learned more forgiveness and just not caring. I think I've gotten to the point I really just don't care about a lot of people and their actions. I wish them no ill will, I just don't care.
I learned this year that even with the unthinkable, when you really love someone, it doesn't matter. You still love them.
I also learned that you can't force something that isn't there. So, consequently, I had to learn to voice that fact. I know I caused sorrow. But, I needed to speak truth.
I think I always speak truth.
Overall, this has been a year of self discovery. A year where I realized why I do what I do and hold to what I hold to, why I feel and react as I do and why I seek after what I seek. I learned what I really want in a man, a life, a future, and from myself.
I talked to the trees, the wind, the spirits, the walls; I wrote and sang and danced and meditated; I loved and flirted and tried new things; I battled, fought, won, lost, fell, soared, cried, screamed, laughed, prayed and prayed and prayed; I conquered fears and tested limits; I learned new things to help in my future; I rang in the new and did away with the old.
For 2012 I have only one resolution: To above all, follow my heart. It has led me to where I am right now. If I follow my heart and trust in God then I know I'll make it through. This new year will be unlike any before it. I am without one of my greatest friends while he is on the greatest adventure of his life; I'm going to be in a new place and learning new things; I hope for a lot of things.
I always hope.
I just learned this year you can't make happen what isn't meant to be.
You can't force what isn't there.
You can't help those who don't wish for help.
You can't mend or fix everything.
You can't hold onto those wishing to fly away.
You can only keep going.
For 2012 I will do just that. I will keep going and follow my heart to where it leads.