Never, Ever

I choked you again last night in my dreams.
I'm not sure why it seems whenever you make a rare appearance in my dreams, you're always lying and causing problems, just like an extension of reality.
I pinned you to a wall.
I seem to be seeing a pattern with these dreams; never, ever, have I had someone I've done this to before in dreams. Perhaps, I had more invested emotion in us than I realized. Perhaps, it is further proof of the toxicity of our relationship. Perhaps, my anger has finally boiled over and you're just lucky I've no contact with you.
It's the lies. The web of unjust lies that spills from your pleasant smile. It's the lies that weave rumors around me and mine and those lies just create mayhem. It's like someone turned the stove on beneath me and finally I am bubbling over. I guess I will never understand people and their actions. I'm a different breed of loyalty and dependability that seems rare amongst people these days.
I'm glad about this.
Why?
I never, ever, want to be you or do what you've done or walk amongst people who care for each other like a nasty little tornado turning things on their heads just to walk away as if nothing happened. I never, ever, want to be like you. I don't want the words spilling from my lips to be outright lies nor do I wish to spread blame around like butter on toast. I never want to kick metaphorical hornets nests to see the chaos that follows and I sure as hell don't want to break promises.
I wonder if one day when you surface in my dreams you'll be just a figure in the shadows, or if every time you pop in you'll be wreaking havoc? Will that always be my final memories of you, chaos, mayhem, drama, havoc and frustration? Or, will someday, we be able to look each other in the eye and you admit to me your lies were unfounded?
I doubt this will happen. You've probably by now deluded yourself into believing your own lies to justify your behavior.
It astounds me how quickly things can turn so very wrong. It only takes a moment, a few tiny lies, and then the poison spreads. You ate it up, didn't you? All that chaos and commotion, all the sympathy cards you played and all the attention you got - it was your drug, wasn't it?
I will never, ever, be anything like you.
I value friendships too much.
I value family too much.
I value my integrity and life too much.
Most of all, to do such things would hurt my heart in a way nothing else could.
I will never, ever, be someone who goes from year to year like a hurricane in the lives of those I meet, spreading deceit, falsehoods, and manipulating to my own ends. I will never, ever, spend so much of my time lying that I begin to believe the lies themselves as truth. No, I'll never, ever be like you.
I'm glad about this.